My Immortal
by BluEyes
Summary: When all you want is the pain and heartache to go away...(CnM) please RnR :)


My Immortal

*laughs* this is so not the happy-mushy songfic that I've been dying to write…sorry Becca, lol. But if you want a mushy songfic outta me you're gonna have to buy me some new CD's with happy mushy songs on them…But anyway, this has a slight season 9 spoiler in it…so I don't own the like 2 lines from the show, lol…and that's about it, I guess…Oh, the song is _My Immortal_ by Evanescence…listen to it while you read it…it seriously has an effect…or, ya know, don't cuz most people just skip over the song part anyway…Oh, and I don't own the song or the characters…and I think that's really it this time…Oh, Happy Memorial Day…Okay, really done this time, lol…

Chandler rolled over, staring at the crack in the ceiling. The crack that he had long ago decided resembled Jay Leno's profile and had ever since then severely creeped him out. He felt like he was being watched and wouldn't be able to sleep. But it'd been a long time since he'd stared at this crack…a long time since he'd had to stare at this crack. And he had other reasons not to sleep than a creepy crevice in the ceiling…

He sighed, squeezing his eyes shut, praying that the tears wouldn't come. 

He could remember the last time he'd stared at this crack, decided that it resembled Jay Leno. Kathy.

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Kathy he thought, almost laughing. That seemed like an eternity ago. An eternity since he'd slept in this bedroom…He'd never needed to. The only time he ever had was when he'd lived there, when he and Joey had won the girls' apartment. But he'd never slept in there since living there with Monica. If they had a fight, he'd sleep on the couch, and Monica would usually come out in the middle of the night and wake him up to apologize or vice-versa. He could only recall one entire night he'd spent out there. 

Chandler smiled; he wished it could go back to being like that. That they could go back to being like that. Perfect. They used to be perfect. He wanted his perfect life back. Not this. Anything but this. It was killing him inside, slowly killing him. Second by second, bit by bit, it was eating away at him.

He wished she'd leave. Or that he had the will to leave. As terrible as that thought was, it would be for the better. They were hurting each other. Each word said, each move made, they were hurting each other. 

And it was killing him inside.

But he didn't have the will power to leave. To start over, be alone. He still had that fear of being alone. 

And he still couldn't leave her. She was still Monica. His Monica.

And he couldn't leave.

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I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

'Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

They'd been good once. Happy. Really happy. No matter what. No matter how terrible it got, they were still good. They worked, and at that point in time, he hadn't imagined that anything else was even possible. Chandler rolled over, burying his head in the pillow, trying hard to fight off the memories…but he couldn't.

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"We're gonna-we're gonna figure this out," he held her close, fighting his own tears as he tried to soothe hers.

"I know," she replied through her tears, clinging tight to him, needing so badly to believe him. 

He pulled back slightly, looking her in the eyes and whispering "I love you" as he wiped away her tears, which sent her over the edge crying, so he pulled her back into his arms.

"I want a baby," she mumbled against his chest.

"I know, so do I," he whispered back, rubbing his hand up and down her back. "So do I…"

He once again rolled over, wiping his eyes before the tears had a chance to fall. It wouldn't go away; the pain wouldn't leave. Time seemed to be failing at its job; the wounds weren't healing. 

__

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have me

All of me

There used to be something about her, something that he couldn't get past. Something that made him love her no matter what. Something that he couldn't explain but was there nonetheless. She used to…captivate him, almost. Amaze him to the point that he couldn't bring himself to tear his eyes away. 

But that was gone. He still loved her, but that was gone. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen her smile, the last time he'd made her laugh. He used to make her laugh…He used to make her smile. They used to be happy. But now…

Now, too much had happened, too much had been said. They used to know when to walk away from fights, know when to leave the room and cool off before they seriously hurt the other. But now they didn't. They stayed and they fought, said things they didn't mean but hurt anyway. Things that couldn't be take back. Things that hurt. Things that stung so badly one of them would no doubtedly leave the room, but it'd be too late. They'd leave in tears. Both of them.

So they worked out a system. An unspoken system that made the fights nearly disappear… one that lead to them never speaking. You don't speak, you can't fight. Monica worked nights Monday, Wednesday, and on the weekends. Chandler would work late the nights she didn't. The other was most likely in bed by the time they got home, and they would both let themselves believe that they were asleep. 

But truth was, he'd lie awake so many nights after she'd got home. Lie awake and just think…and wonder…wonder why…

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"You know sometimes I just wish…"

"Just say it!" he finally yelled. 

"No!"

"You about said it, just say it! Get it out! You know it's what you were thinking!" She was silent, knowing very well that she would love nothing more than to say what she had stopped herself from only moments before. "Just say it!" he repeated.

"Sometimes I just wish London had never happened!" she finally yelled, completely fed up. "I'm starting to believe that fate doesn't know what the hell it's doing because we are nowhere near as perfect together as we once thought! And there is no way two people in the world can be completely meant to be together but not have a child together. It's not meant to be! **We're** not meant to be!" she yelled, the tears streaming down her face showing just how little she believed a single word she had just said.

Chandler took a step back. He'd begged her to say it; he'd known it was coming.

But the words had hurt so much more than he'd ever thought possible. He looked up at her, his own eyes red from the tears he was fighting. He shook his head, before turning and going into their bedroom and slamming the door shut before he said anything else he'd regret.

But it was too late.

Chandler jerked awake, sitting up in bed. He took a deep breath before lying back down, looking at the silhouette of Monica's sleeping figure. Despite himself, he lay back down and rolled over, wrapping his arms around her, just needing to hold her. When he'd have bad dreams, she used to be able to make them better, make them go away. And he just needed to hold her. So he ignored the fact that she tensed when he'd wrapped his arms around her, that that meant she'd been awake and had probably known he'd been having a nightmare but hadn't woken him up, had just let him have it. He squeezed his eyes shut, pretending for a moment that it was like it used to be.

But she moved away, rolling out of his arms to the edge of the bed.

Chandler stared at her back for a moment, not believing that that had just happened. He finally got out of bed, deciding that he couldn't sleep in there with her. 

Monica squeezed her eyes shut when she felt him get out of bed. When she'd realized that he was having a nightmare, she'd wanted nothing more than to do just what he'd done, wrap her arms around him and make it all go away. But she couldn't. She just…couldn't. 

So she rolled back over, burying her face in her pillow, fighting back the tears as she heard the door to the guest bedroom slam shut.

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You used to captive me

By your resonating light

Now I'm bounded by the life you've left behind

Your face it hurts

My once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away

All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have me

All of me

Chandler went back to staring at the Jay Leno crack, trying to do anything to keep his mind off of Monica. 

But it was no use. 

As much as it hurt, she still held all of his thoughts. And it did hurt, hurt like hell. And with everything that had been said, the thing that hurt the most was that she had rolled away from his embrace. She wouldn't let him hold her. 

Chandler squeezed his eyes shut, trying to fight the tears from coming…but it seemed that for once he was going to lose, rolling over as he lost control, crying into the pillow.

Monica sat up, not sure that she was hearing what she thought she was hearing.

The walls were thin; when she had lived with Rachel, she'd often gotten way too much information when her boyfriends spent the night. Monica squeezed her eyes shut again as she lay back down.

Chandler was crying.

So she buried her face in his pillow, deciding that if he was going to cry, she'd might as well.

Chandler rolled over, the streetlight outside the window shining in his eyes, and though he wanted to, he couldn't stop the tears once they started. And though only a wall separated them, he'd never felt more alone in his life.

So they both lay there, having no idea that the other was doing the exact same thing…

Crying alone in the dark.

__

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

Um…this is a standalone, it's not gonna be continued…but please review, thanks…and I swear, if I could, I'd write something happy, lol… ;)


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